Get Peppered

The beautiful lady in this picture is Clare, one of my dearest friends. She was the first person I met when I moved to the UK to go to University. We spent our first year in halls together, moved into a house with three other girls the year after, and have been friends ever since. I remember her as the girl with the beautiful, big hair. At times a bit too big for her liking. Right now, though, all her hair is gone. My dear friend Clare has just undergone surgery to have her uterus removed and pretty soon her ovarian tubes will follow. She has cancer.

Just like most women, she has a strong desire to have children of her own one day. In her case, however, the dream of becoming pregnant has been shattered. Her only option is to freeze her eggs en find a surrogate to carry her child for her. As you can imagine, this is a very emotional decision to make but she doesn't have much time to make it.

She has to come up with $8000 to pay for the procedure to freeze her eggs. Money  she doesn't have. Unfortunately I don't have it lying around either, but I do wish to help her out in any way that I can. I am hoping you will contribute to help her fulfill her next best dream.

You can contribute by going to http://clare.chipin.com/clares-future. Please let your friends know about this and help Clare out.

Thank you in advance. With love,

Femke

"To regret one's own experiences is to arrest one's own development. To deny one's own experiences is to put a lie into the lips of one's life.  It is no less than a denial of the soul" Oscar Wilde

When one of my dearest friends had kicked her recreational drug habit, we discussed the idea of telling her parents. Having walked with a long-term secret myself, one of the biggest revelations after opening up about it was that it wasn’t the judgment of others that kept me from sharing. It was my own judgment of it. And as long as she wasn’t ok with the reality of her past, she wouldn’t be able to “stand naked in her own truth”.

Secrets and taboos leash us, they hold us back from being all we can be. It holds us back from being there for ourselves, for better and worse. We all have secrets and taboos, things we’d rather not share with the outside world. Perhaps it’s because something that is frowned upon by the norms and values of our community. Or we may simply be afraid of being ridiculed by others. The truth is, it ultimately does not have anything to do with “the others” and everything with our own estimation of it.

The funny thing is that what we are most afraid of will be made a reality through our own behaviour. If we act guilty or ashamed, that’s what the people around us will see. We will prove them right in judging us, which in turn reinforces our belief system that tells us to hide it in the first place. And boom, you’ve got your self fulfilling prophecy. It works the same way the other way around. A wonderful example of that is that I wet the bed until I was about fourteen years old. Though uncomfortable, it was never a problem because my parents taught me to be open about it. I was never forced to hide it. So at camps I’d simply take out the plastic cover for underneath the sheets. Kids would ask me about it and I would be upfront with them. It was never a problem.

One of keys to unleashing yourself from taboos is acceptance. The ability to accept whatever is thrown in front of you. It is also important to realise that you are NOT your past, or your behaviour. What that does is that it separates your self worth from the things that happen to you and the “mistakes” you may make in life simply because you are a fallible human being.

"The worst lies are the lies we tell ourselves. We live in denial of what we do, even what we think. We do this because we are afraid. We fear we will not find love, and when we find it that we'll lose it." Richard Bach

Before you can get to that place where you accept what is and separate your being from your doing, you need to recognise the thing you are lying about. Let’s start small, shall we? Taboos and secrets don’t always have to be “huge and dramatic”. Moreover, it is the sweet little lies that we tell ourselves first and foremost that keep us from fully being ourselves. It’s not admitting that we feel insecure during a business meeting, or that we are uncomfortable with intimacy and are afraid to show it. It is denying that we are angry, because we’ve convinced ourselves that feeling angry is now allowed.

This speaks to something called congruence. Are you congruent in your actions? Do you show what is really going on inside of you? You can start to recognise that by checking the difference of when you are congruent and when you are not. You’ve probably had a birthday gift in the past that you didn’t quite like, and yet you smiles and said: “Thanks, it’s really nice!” Where in your body do you feel this “little lie”? How does your body tell you that you aren’t being congruent? And then think of a time when you got a gift you truly loved and expressed it too. How does that feel different? How do you know it is “true” for you?

Through knowing that difference, you will be able to recognise when you are telling a lie to yourself. Since it’s the things we hide from ourselves that hold us back, this is a critical first step on our journey to become more authentic and real.

If you have any questions or need someone you can open up to about a secret or taboo you live with, please feel free to contact me.

Your self actualisation trainer,

Femke Stuut

Our failures pave the road to mastery. When we decide to follow our passion, calling, or pursue a goal, we can’t always predict the challenges we’re going to face. Nor can we predict how it is going to make us feel when we’re right in the middle of what feels like failure rather than paving the road with another stepping stone towards our destination. If you’re like me – determined and perhaps somewhat stubborn – you’ll dust yourself off, stand up and try again. And again and again. It’s hard work, focus, and dedication that gets us to our goals. Yet how often do you take the time to pat yourself on the back along the way? To look at all that you’ve achieved and let your eyes fill themselves with pride of the things you’ve already created? When working hard, we may forget to celebrate our successes along the way.

These past two years have been very challenging for me. I quit my job to start my own business. Having spent the larger part of the last decade preparing myself for this leap by honing my skills and expertise in training and coaching, I still hardly knew what I was getting myself into. With the financial crisis hitting, I was unable to sublet my apartment for many months and I wasn’t earning nearly as much as I used to when I was still a business consultant. Add that to a lack of certain entrepreneurial skills, and I felt totally lost. What was my product, how was I going to explain it to my target audience, etc. All I could do was focus on learning as fast as I could.

The problem was that fear took over. Fear of failure, fear of getting into financial difficulties, and feeling very uncomfortable with being consciously incompetent. Half the time those feelings got in the way of my taking action and getting my business up and running the way I had envisioned. And that got me stuck, as well as disappointed in myself. Through those eyes, things seemed to move slowly and I wasn’t getting anywhere. The people who were close to me were getting anxious and worried and kept asking me “Have you got clients yet?” or “When are you going to call it quits?”. Disillusionment kept knocking on my door. I refused to answer.

Instead, I soldiered on. Call it determination, faith, perseverance, even stubbornness. Call it anything you like. My dream, my vision, was simply strong enough to carry all the pain and difficulties that came with the falling and getting back up again. And you need that vision to overcome the fears and “suffer” the pain.

Now here I am, feeling solid ground underneath my feet. It's been my experience -- through the many challenges I've had to face -- that you will always feel solid ground underneath your feet again. I’ve started to feel consciously competent at many of the skills involved with entrepreneuring. I have a clear focus, established in part by cutting off all the other things I could be doing and where. And equally important, I’m having fun in my business, with far more time to focus on my passion for transformational training than I did a year ago.

As I look back on those two years, I realised something. Even though I’m not completely where I’d like to be in my business, I have made more progress than I was giving myself credit for. In working so hard, I took very little time to stand still and count all that I gained. The journey certainly would have been a bit lighter had I done that.

Funnily enough, I make it a habit to celebrate the successes of my clients. They, too, have a hard time seeing their own successes when they are trying to reach a goal. In doing so, they feel more empowered, and have a renewed sense of faith and determination. It moves us from all-or-nothing thinking to incremental thinking.

We need the encouragement that comes from celebration. So today, take a little time to stand still and take stock of all that you’ve accomplished so far. No matter how small it may seem, celebrate it, count it. Allow your nose to crinkle, the corners of your mouth to curl up, and do a little victory dance! I will do the same.

Have a great day!

Your self actualisation trainer,

Femke

Victor Frankl, survivor of a concentration camp, once wrote: “We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

While this quote is most often used to inspire you to the idea that we always have the choice to choose our attitude, it’s also a very powerful statement for another reason: “They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof”.

A beautiful illustration of just what can be achieved if you choose to believe in the extraordinary is the true story of a teenage Malawi boy – William Kamkwamba -- who had a dream one day. He wanted to bring electricity and running water to his village during the terrible drought that plagued his country back in 2002. He didn’t want to wait for aid groups to come and help him, so he was determined to figure out a way himself. Due to a lack of money, he was forced to stay home from school but he kept up with his education by going to a local library. That’s where one day he found a book with a picture of a windmill that could make electricity as well as water. Instead of thinking it couldn’t be done, this boy thought: “Maybe I can build one for myself.”

So he started scouring rubbish tips for material that could serve as building blocks for his windmill. His attempts were met with scepticism by his community, thinking he had gone crazy. Not letting that phase him, he continued building his device. In the end he builds a 5 mtr tall windmill, and his neighbours stand in amazement of the fact that this contraption is now pumping power and supplies his family’s home with electricity. Against all odds, this teenage boy single-handedly transformed his community.

So what made him stand out from the crowd? It’s simple. He stepped out of the box and looked beyond the invisible borders of his community. What he found was a new reality, a reality that he would not have found had he listened to the crowd. That’s what is often necessary in order to innovate, to discover new options and approaches. And that’s actually a skill that each and every one of us can acquire, this sense of out-of-the-box thinking. And even better: what if there was no box at all?

Too often we base our opinion on what is average, on what we see around us. And we draw conclusions from what we see: “That must mean it’s simply not possible. It’s too hard. That’s only for the very few lucky one among us.” Whether it’s in love and relationships, in creating wealth, or venturing into new territory because we simply have a dream: wisdom and excellence is not captured by studying the average or the norm. No, it’s captured in those who are “few in numbers”. It’s the ones who refuse to believe that there’s only one truth or one reality, who create change and make the most out of a situation.

When you think of something you want to have, be, or do, where does your mind usually take you? Do you naturally “scour garbage tips” in search of ways to make your dreams come true? How often do you get trapped inside self imposed limits. Things like: “I am not good enough. That’s not how it works for me. I’m not creative. Others won’t approve.” It’s the must-erbating, the can’t’s, the should-ing and the have-to’s that could do with some re-evaluation in our lives!

In each and everyone of us there’s an extraordinary person. That’s our birthright. Every one of us is unique in what we have to offer in this world. Following the norm, what is expected, does not help you unleash the best version of you. So what outrageous goal do you have? Where does ‘conventional thinking’ hold you back from reaching for your more? Just remember: “Nobody who ever gave his best, regretted it.” (George Halas)

The Pepper Plant organises trainings to help you unleash your personal genius. The "Accessing Personal Genius" training teaches you the skills to step out of the box and create the paradigm shifts necessary to take your foot off the brakes. The next training will be held in Reno on the 7th-9th of May. For more information, check out the website at www.getpeppered.com or read the brochure www.getpeppered.com/Accessing%20Personal%20Genius.pdf

How adept are you at changing the mood you are in?

Courage. Perseverence. Passion. Being Proactive. Resilience. Acceptance. Clarity. Focus. Authenticity. Discipline. We are all familiar with these words. And when they are worded with a poetic flow in quotations from our favourite writers, management ‘guru’s’ or even the anonymous wise man, we can’t but agree that these states of mind, body, and emotion, are vital to success. Yet, how many of us can easily access these states when they are most needed: in times of uncertainty, fear, doubt, or setbacks in the form of failure or unexpected turns of events. Are we as flexible as we'd like to be?

Most of the hard work that is needed to excel is done outside of the “spotlight”. We watch Olympic sporters win their gold medals, but we never get to see the amount of sweat, blood, and tears that went into their goals and dreams. It’s the journey leading up to where we wish to be that we need those states the most. During the times where we feel very far removed from that dream job, the kind of love relationship we wish to have, or the health, fitness, and financial freedom we strive for.

Let’s take perseverance, for example. Do you remember the last time you persevered at something? How did that feel? What did you believe about yourself at that time, about the task at hand, about others and your own abilities? And what actions flowed from that? Now you look back on it, how good did it make you feel to persevere? What if you could step into this state of perseverance at will and at the times where you need it most? What would you be doing that you aren’t doing now? What would it open up for you? And what would it be like if you could welcome passion, resilience, proactivity, discipline and focus into your life, rather than procrastination, fear of failure and the analysis paralysis that so often holds us back from “just doing it”.

Often, a great deal of time and effort is spent in gaining knowledge, learning skills and strategies of something we’d like to master. We take courses, go to events, read books, and wonder sometimes why we're not getting the results we want. We focus on winning the “outer game” and not so much on understanding and mastering our own brain. And yet, that is crucial to learning how to align ourselves with our goals and dreams. It gives us the freedom to learn more, to venture out into new territory, to be able to take risks, stand up for what we believe in, and to act on what we know.

How much time have you spent on mastering your state of mind and emotions? To what extent have you learnt the necessary skills and experience to win your “inner game”?